When you think of BDSM, you might think of 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and that infamous room - and while there is much more to BDSM, it did open up doors for people to spice up their sex life - both solo and partnered.
If you're interested in trying out some BDSM in the bedroom but aren't sure where to start, we've got your guide right here!
What is BDSM?
To start, let's define BDSM. It's a term used to describe certain aspects of sex that can be split into: bondage & discipline, domination & submission, and sadism & masochism.
BDSM is typically performed in neutral, consenting relationships - and there is a huge emphasis on consent here because certain BDSM acts can involve physical restraint, varying degrees of pain, and servitude (i.e., tying your partner hip, spanking, etc.).
Dominant vs. Submissive
When it comes to engaging in BDSM play, you'll have to decide which partner is dominant and which one is submissive. Try out both roles so you can experience being both dominant and submissive - and of course, to keep things interesting.
The dominant role will be demonstrating the skill and power while the submissive role will not be in control. And you don't have to be 'dominant' or 'submissive' in "real life" to enjoy being that in the bedroom. In fact, some people who are normally known as 'dominant' in their everyday life like to be submissive in the bedroom because they don't have make decisions or be in control.
The dominant/submissive dynamic is also referred to as 'tops' and 'bottoms' - where the 'top' is typically the one who performs the spanking, whipping, etc. but 'bottoms' can also be dominant by demanding them to perform specific acts or switch roles.
However, placing your partner in physical bondage can be intimidating, especially if you aren't sure how to assert dominance. So, try leaving out the equipment at first and focusing on each other instead. Then, when you feel comfortable being dominant or submissive, you can start incorporate toys.
Bondage Toys
Speaking of toys, BDSM is often associated with different toys - the most popular being blindfolds, handcuffs, and restraints or ropes. There are others, of course, but if you're just starting out, these are perfect for testing the water.
Sensory deprivation can be a hurdle for BDSM newbies, so starting slow and taking your time will help you build up to more intense BDSM toys and acts.
Being Submissive
Being the submissive partner takes trust with your dominant partner - you are quite literally giving up control. But, you don't have to be "not saying a word" submissive (unless you want to, of course). Always make sure to communicate with your partner about your boundaries so you are both on the same page about how far they can actually go.
Keep in mind that there is a difference between a consensual dominant/submissive relationship and a nonconsensual one. While performing dominant/submissive acts outside of the bedroom can absolutely be a part of BDSM, if you start to feel like your partner is taking advantage of you and the partnership is beginning to feel one-sided, that definitely needs to be addressed.
BDSM Terminology
Informed consent by two people is known as SSC or Safe, Sane and Consensual or RACK, Risk-aware Consensual Kink. It's a common practice (and highly recommended) for couples who engage in BDSM acts to use a 'safe word' for when things get out of hand.
The Best Sex Positions for BDSM
And now, let's talk about some of the best sex positions for BDSM! These sex positions pair well with handcuffs, ties, ropes, and blindfolds, making them the perfect intro to BDSM.
Missionary
It's a classic for a reason, but it can be amplified by the submissive lying on their back with their arms & legs tied to the corners of the bed (kind of like in a star shape). The dominant can perform oral sex, use a sex toy, or penetrate the submissive.
Up in Arms
This one is great for using handcuffs or restraints and you can either tie your partners hands together, cuff them to the headboard, or even to the banister of a staircase.
Against the Wall
Sometimes you need to switch up the location, and a wall is a great option. Let your partner pick you up or use over-the-door restraints to help keep you stable (as this can get quite tiring if the dominant is holding you up). You can also have your partner perform oral sex while up against a wall if it gets too tiring to stand.
Divide & Conquer
We know propping your butt up during missionary allows for deeper penetration, but try letting your partner pull you into their lap (with most of your weight on your upper back and shoulders) can be even more intense. If you have enough flexibility, your partner can tie your wrists to your legs so they don't have to hold you up - allowing them to use their hands for other purposes.
BDSM doesn't have to be an intimidating, just remember to take it slow and communicate clearly with your partner on boundaries. But most importantly, have fun! This shouldn't be a stressful experience - and who knows, maybe you'll find something you never knew you liked!